By Wellness Editorial Team ยท March 12, 2025
“The counsellors helped me understand that missing Grandma is okay — and that she’d want me to smile.”
— Lily, age 9 (name changed to protect privacy)
When a child loses someone they love, it can feel as though the world has shifted under their feet. They do not yet have the words to name what they are carrying. They may not cry at the expected moments. They may ask the same questions over and over, or go very quiet, or throw themselves into play as if nothing has changed at all.
All of this is normal. All of this is grief — and all of it can be gently supported.
Children are not small adults. Their understanding of death changes as they grow, and so does the way they need to be held through it. A five-year-old may not grasp permanence but will feel the absence keenly. A nine-year-old may understand that someone is gone forever, yet struggle to believe it in their body. A teenager may oscillate between wanting to talk and needing to seem fine.
None of these responses is wrong. They are all honest. And each one is an invitation for a caring adult to draw a little closer.
One of the most helpful things adults can do is use clear, honest language — even when it is hard. Phrases like “gone to sleep” or “passed away” can confuse young children and create anxiety around ordinary things like bedtime. When we say “Grandma died,” we give children something true to hold onto.
That does not mean being clinical. It means being warm and plain at the same time:
Children are extraordinarily perceptive. When the words we use match the feeling in the room, they relax into honesty too.
For many children, words are not the easiest path into grief — especially younger ones. Art, play, music, movement, and storytelling offer doorways that language alone cannot provide.
A child who draws a picture of their grandmother in the garden is doing grief work. A child who writes a letter to the person they lost, or builds a memory box with photographs and little mementos, is constructing something solid out of something invisible. A child who plays out a funeral with toys is not being morbid — they are making sense of something enormous.
Simple creative activities to try at home
Children take their emotional cues from the adults around them. When a parent or carer can say “I am sad today too, and that is okay,” they give their child permission to feel. When they make space at the dinner table to talk about the person who has gone — their funny habits, their favourite song, the way they laughed — they show that love and memory coexist with everyday life.
You do not need to have all the answers. In fact, one of the most healing things you can say to a child is: “I don’t know either. But I’m right here with you.”
Presence is the most powerful thing a caring adult can offer.
Most children move through grief with the love of family and the passage of time. But some children benefit enormously from working with a grief counsellor who specialises in young people — someone who knows how to meet a child exactly where they are.
It may be worth reaching out for support if your child:
Reaching out is a sign of strength, not failure. Grief counsellors who work with children are skilled at building trust through play and gentle conversation, so that children rarely feel they are “in therapy.” They feel, instead, that they have found somewhere safe to breathe.
Supporting a grieving child while carrying your own grief is one of the hardest things a person can do. Please be gentle with yourself. You do not need to be perfect. You need to be present, honest, and willing to let love lead.
Children are remarkably resilient — not because grief does not touch them, but because they are surrounded by people who show them it is survivable. Lily’s words say it beautifully: she learned that missing Grandma is okay, and that Grandma would want her to smile. That is not denial of loss. That is love enduring.
And that is exactly the kind of understanding that good grief support helps children find.
Looking for support?
If you would like to talk to someone about grief counselling for your child or family, our team is here. Get in touch and we will help you find the right path forward.